Christmas for Survivors

Having blogged about HOPE, I need to do a personal blog too.

Christmas can be a very hard time for survivors, so I guess that in some ways I’m lucky that it doesn’t really cinjure up nightmares beyond the usual: ‘have we got enough food?’, did I remember to get enough tablets to last through?’, and ‘will he like the presents i’ve bought him?’! This year the answer to all of those was a resounding ‘yes’. I was late with the Christmas cards and I undoubtedly forgot a few people (My aplologies for that) and I’m sure that I was supposed to do something that I’ve forgotten about, but hey – in the big scheme of things does it really matter?

For those of you who do struggle this time of year – please remember that you are not alone. There are places you can get support (try the NAPAC website), there are people who can empathise with how you are feeling and things will soon be back to ‘normal’.

I am just glad that I have stopped having contact with my mother and step-father – that is one reason why Christmas isn’t so bad for me. I would dread having to spend time with them, but I don’t so I can breathe easy! I know others aren’t so lucky, and do have to spend time with people they don’t like, people they loath or people they just hate, (for whatever reason). Know that you are strong enough to cope, strong enough to continue surviving and strong enough to make 2008 a better year for yourself!

HOPE Christmas

Well, it’s been a while since I blogged, but life has been hectic recently.

HOPE moved premises on 17th December and myself and other trustees and volunteers have been working our backsides off trying to get everything organized. The removal team we hired to move everything did a great job and they also worked their backsides off, but all they did was put stuff into rooms, now we have the task of sorting out what we want where, and how! We have 2 rooms full of chairs, another full of filing cabinets, desks in pieces and the draw units and drawers have been separated . . . and still it goes on! We are all knackered – shoulders, backs, arms and legs all aching and still not everything is where it needs to be, but we can now see where we’ve been, and we can see that things are coming together – the main office is sorted, the windows have been cleaned inside and out (thank you Sean), the counselling rooms are almost ready, the counselling manager has his office in order, and the main meeting room is usable, as is the kitchen and the community room, so thats 7 down just 12 more rooms to sort!

We’re going in 3 or 4 days next week so hopefully by the time the 7th comes around we will be more or less in a position to open properly to members and for groups and other therapy sessions to start again in earnest.

How ever much work we’ve put in and even if things are not quite right by the 7th – it is wonderful to have space. We can stand up and stretch! We can move around and walk, we can find an empty room somewhere and ‘hide’ from others. We have space, and it’s OUR space, with OUR things in it and no-one can take that away from us at all and THAT feels so much safer, more secure and more confidential than where we moved from.

For HOPE it has been a Happy Christmas, and will be a bright and fruitful New Year!

I wish the same for you all.

Even more unsure!

It’s been a well funny week this last week.

Been getting myself really wound up about having a bath – I KNEW I needed one, but the thought was freaking me out, so for days I just stunk (somehow a wash just doesn’t work the same!).

Eventually, on Tuesday, I managed to get myself in the bath tub, washed my hair and finally got clean. The, having spent so much time worrying about getting into the bath – I couldn’t get out! I was ’stuck’, not physically, but mentally.

I called Rob, and he did just the right thing – got me a book, put my favourite music on and told me I’d be okay and that I just needed to calm down, then I’d be able to get out, no problem. It took a while, but he was right1 He’s wonderful – he knows just what I need, even when I don’t have a clue! One of these days I hope that I will have the same intuition for him, and that I will be able to give him as much help, support, love and care as he gives me.

Rob – I love you!

I finally did manage to get out the bath ( cold water and the end of the book helped!) and later in the afternoon a friend popped round for a cuppa and a chat, while Rob was out. It was really good being able to have a bit of a girly chat, and with someone who understood where I was coming from and who wouldn’t take offence at anything I said. Even better was the offer of a Reiki session the next day at her home.

Wednesday saw me getting up late as usual, but fairly excited to be having Reiki – I have had it before, and I’ve had a level 1 atunement,  but its been a couple of years since I’ve either had some or given any.

It was a lovely afternoon, peaceful, relaxed and comfortable. My friends elder daughter was there and it was nice to meet her, shes laid back and relaxed like her mum. After being introduced to the daughter and the dog, a lovely black cocker spaniel who’d had a bath that morning and whose ears were still wet, we had a cup of tea before starting the Reiki.

It was so peaceful – me lying on the massage bed, receiving the Reiki, daughter reading on settee and dog sitting on daughter! It was just over an hour later when we finished and I felt so much more relaxed and at peace – it was great! Daughter then had a massage from my friend, while I snuggled up on settee and continued to chill. During the massage the three of us did have a bit of conversation, but nothing demanding. Before I left I’d booked another session in a months time, this time for a mix of Reiki and massage – really looking forward to it.  It was my friends idea to make it a regular thing – she thinks that I need it and that it will help my body get over the trauma of the abuse.

I don’t know if anyone else has any thoughts on this, but I have heard several people recently, all talking about the body’s ‘physical’ memory of trauma – so if something  traumatic happens, the body as well as the mind remembers it, and the body needs to learn to forget or recover from this, in the same way the mind does. Whether there is anything scientific in this or not, I don’t know, but during the Reiki, which after all, is just someone thinking about stuff and holding their hands above your body (very little actual contact is needed, if any), I certainly had some very definite physical reactions, mainly in my legs – it felt almost as if sand was being drained out of my leg.

I don’t know if it was talking on the Tuesday or the Reiki on Wednesday, but I felt so much lighter the rest of the week. Thats not to say that everything suddenly became right with the world, because it didn’t, but I was far more able to get out of the flat, in fact Thursday I stayed in, but I have been out everyday since, which for me is really good, and it means that Thursday is the only day this week that I haven’t done anything!

I really must be feeling lots better than I have been recently, because last night I actually did some more on my dolls house. It’s still not ready to be put together yet – but several more sections have had a base coat of paint applied, all the windows are now ready for under coat before the gloss, and I picked up a tester pot of a lovely raspberry pink emulsion that will be just right for the teenagers room that I’m planning – all pink and black! Rob also very kindly took off the lolly sticks that had been glued on to make the roof coping, but which looked really naff, and we picked up something much better in town today, along with another dolls house magazine – complete with 1/12th scale Christmas decs. Might do a room box to use the bits before I get house together, but even then, don’t want to have Christmas all year, so it’ll all get put away with our Christmas stuff each year.

Don’t know whats happening to me (triggering)

The past week or so has been hell, but in a really weird way.

I’ve not been really down, not felt like I’m back in the pit, but there has definitely been something wrong, and I don’t know what, or why.

I have been so weepy (and it not the time of the month!) and so upset it’s not real. I’ve had to do a complete wipe and reinstall on my computer, and my partner asked what was taking so long, and said he could have done it in 2 mins. I felt like I was completely useless and pathetic and a waste of space,and burst into tears – again!

I seem to have spent the entire weekend, as well as the second half of last week, either in tears, or on the verge of, and it’s just not like me.

I also haven’t had a bath for . . . I don’t know how long, and I stink.

Not being able to have showers or baths is a biggy for me – it was a big part of my abuse.

My stepdad used to come into the bathroom while I was having a shower, apparently to make sure I was ‘clean’ . In reality he would get in the shower with me and use me. I guess the only good bit was he never asked me to give him blow jobs in the shower, but he would wash me, especially my breasts and between my legs, and he would fuck me. It didn’t matter what I did or said, he just carried on. Once my periods started (I was 13 when the abuse started and 14 when my periods started), even that didn’t make a difference to him – I still had/was a fanny to be fucked.

When we moved to a different house that only had a bath, he would make sure that he needed to have a wee when I was having a bath, and there was no lock on the door, and nothing I said made any difference.

Where was my mother while this was happening? oh she was there, in the house, or the garden, or taking the dogs for a walk.

Did she not notice anything odd about him being wet when I had a shower? No. Did she wonder why he always needed a wee while I was in the bath? No. Did she question why a 50-something man wanted his stepdaughter to show off any new underwear, before she was allowed to have it? No. Did she wonder why I never wanted new underwear – even when what I had no longer fitted or was falling apart? No.

Or if the answer to any of those questions was actually ‘yes’ she never did anything about it.

Back to today:

I need a bath – I know I need a bath, but I just can’t do it. I lay in bed for hours telling myself to get out of bed and have a bath, but I couldn’t. Every time I thought about it, it was as if my legs turned to concrete, I just couldn’t move them. I eventually decided that I could get by without a bath, if I used babywipes to at least reduce the smell somewhat, which at least allowed me to get out of bed, but I still know that I need a bath.

I had thought that I’d got this sussed, a while ago I managed to start washing my hair over the bath, then in the bath, and then I started to enjoy, to a point, having baths, but I’ve gone right back to square one again. I’ve done this before, but last time it was when I and my doctor agreed to decreased my medication. This time nothing has changed – medication still the same, home life still the same, still have wonderful support form my partner and friends, so why am I such a big pile of complete crap???????????????????

feeling better

Having been so totally down just a couple of days ago, I seem to have managed to pull myself up, at least for the time being.

I have listened to me, to what I needed, which mainly meant staying inside and sleeping lots.

I know that this isn’t really the best way to handle things, but every so often it is the only way I can cope.  I have had a lot of support from my partner – he knows where I’m coming from and doesn’t criticise me, blame me, moan at me or tell me to pull my socks up. He lets me deal with things in my own way, even though they may not be the best way to go about things.

This support if vital. Having been in a relationship where all I ever got was negatives, I know the difference that this support can make. Instead of hiding for weeks, I can usually get out after a few days, instead of being told that I’m useless, and continuing to throw that negativity on myself, I am told that it’s OK for me to want to hide, and I am starting to accept that not only is my behaviour allowable, but that it’s ‘normal’ for survivors of childhood abuse, and that I am also am OK kinda person.

For me to even think about saying that I’m OK is huge – so for me to write it is phenomenal.

hitting rock bottom

Have slowly been sliding down hill over the past week or so. Having already had a rough patch recently, when I tried to reduce my medication (big mistake!), I thought I was doing ok, but it seems not.

Really don’t know whats kicked this particular bad spell off, so guessing that its a combination of things coming together at the wrong time. I know that I am always worse this time of year (possibility of SAD, but nothing diagnosed) but this is worse than normal.

I did something today that I don’t ever remember doing before.

I was at the offices where I do volunteering for a charity, and where I am also a service user and needed the loo. Nothing unusual about that, except that I went to loo and then left, without saying anything. My partner found me about 2 hours later sitting reading in the town library. I’m not really sure how I got there safely, why I went there (except I guess it was a ’safe’ place) and I don’t know why I felt that I couldn’t say anything to anyone.

When Rob found me, he asked questions – trying to find out why I’d walked out like that, what he could do to help me, and where I wanted to go and do next. It got frustrating for both of us, because I didn’t know, and the more I didn’t know the more he asked me questions.

I know he was trying to help, trying to make suggestions that might make some sense out my behaviour but it didn’t work, because I just didn’t know!

This whole incident has scared me – I have dissociated in the past, but don’t think that was what happened today – I just had to get out, and couldn’t say anything, and I don’t know why.

Why couldn’t I talk to the people I trust most? Why didn’t I say I was popping out? Why didn’t I tell someone how I felt? . . . the questions, even in my head, are building up and I don’t have the answer to any of them.

I don’t know what happened, don’t know if I’m likely to do it again, don’t know how to help myself or what other people can do to help me.

I feel I am sinking so much deeper than I have for so long, the mire is thicker and struggle harder. I don’t know if I even have the energy to fight it this time. I guess I will keep on going – there is little alternative, although I have contemplated getting some razor blades recently I don’t think I could do that – I’ll stick to fingernails for my selfharm weapon of choice. Having said that, . . . . oh I don’t know – I feel so tired, so completely exhausted, so much on the verge of tears for no reason . . . and yet, my medication should be back up to strength again I am reminded to take care of me regularly – I take multi-vitamin and mineral supplements because my diet isn’t great, and my diet has improved with the introduction of smoothies (put fruit on a plate and I won’t eat it – but will drink smoothies stuffed full of that very same fruit!). I’ve not even managed to get the slightest bit excited by Halloween or bonfire night this year, and I normally love fireworks! As for looking forward to Christmas – all I can see at the moment is the pile of cards that will need writing, the presents to buy, most of which I haven’t got a clue about, and all the decorating to be done, followed by a few days of eating, opening the charity premises for members, pretending to be happy and having a great time, and then so much clearing up and packing away in January, ready for December again. I want to be a hedgehog – then I can be prickerly and curl up in a ball and hide until the weather gets warmer, the days lengthen and spring has sprung.

Flock

Just downloaded this browser – don’t know how long it’s been around, but it;s new to me.

so far I’m impressed with its functionality. It lets you make posts direct to a blog, keeps track of facebook contacts, your photo uploads through several sites and a whole lot more, as well as being a ‘proper’ web browser!

I’m typing this is a little window, that looks a lot like an email composer window – but I can save this, save as a draft or publish it direct to blog – I don’t even have to access the blog site, as long as I’m signed in through Flock, it posts it automatically. So much easier than having to navigate through blog sites! It’ll even keep track of comments on my blogs for me, so i can such internet and keep an eye on what everyone is saying in reply to my posts, and all in same place!
The window is complete with the usual word processing options – you can change text size, font, colour, emphasis, bullet points, indents, create a link and add an image, all without using any drop-down menus.

I’m not easily impressed by new browsers, but this one seems worth while trying out.

Blogged with Flock

Tags: internet, web, web browser, web technology, flock, browser

Depression

I suffer from depression, have done for more years than i care to remember. I know the original triggers for my depression, but am still, 25 years later, struggling to come to terms with events. I have good days when I can do everything I want to – go shopping, cook, be creative, do housework, all the normal stuff, and then I have weeks when I can’t do anything.
I can’t go out without having panic attacks, going to the supermarket is impossible & town just scares the hell out of me. When I’m like that, I can’t do anything – can’t cook (I’ve known me stand in the kitchen in tears with a jar of curry sauce in one hand, with chicken pieces on the side and rice cooking, not knowing what to do next), can’t cope with housework, can’t be creative, can’t get out of bed in the morning and not wanting to go to bed at night. It used to be a nightmare – my husband didn’t or couldn’t understand, would moan (with reason I suppose) about me not doing anything, about the fact that I wouldn’t go out and couldn’t look after me, let alone him, but now life is different. I have a new partner (well, not that new – we’ve been together a year now) who knows what depression is like. He understands when I can’t do stuff, and is really pleased when I can, which means that I do when I can, and enjoy giving just a little back. He worries about me, and encourages me, but doesn’t moan or complain when I’m bad – just gives me cuddles or space, depending on what I need.

I have come to the conclusion that the support, or lack there of, from family and friends is as important as any medication you can take.

I guess it’s time for a post

The first post.

Always, I think, the hardest.

Never too sure what to put – what do people want to know? Shall I give a condensed version of my life story? Do I have to put anything?

I guess, as this is a blog, I do have to put something – so there it is! The life story will follow, along with other random things that I need to post.